Graced by disgrace

One of the new Margis asked me if I knew that some of the neighbors were disturbed by our yoga house, and had complained to our real estate agent.

“No,” I said. “What’s their grievance?”

“They said it’s disgraceful that both blacks and whites are coming into this house together.”

I laughed, and said, “We’re already having a good effect on the neighborhood.”

Just love me

A friend invited me to a seance yesterday conducted by a lady who claims to be a spirit medium. At the seance she entered into a trance which enabled her to “channel the spirit” by automatic writing.

She instructed me to mentally ask a question without speaking it aloud. Though I do not believe that the spirits of the dead are able to communicate from a bodiless condition, still I admit that a “medium” may be in touch with the unconscious mind, and thus may reflect otherwise unrevealed information.

I thought, “What should I do about the trouble I’m getting every time after meditation?” For some weeks I’ve felt terribly exhausted at the end of meditation, and usually have to rest a few minutes afterward.

The lady’s hand wrote, “Do not worry. It is not bad. It will end in ten days.”

Just Love Me

Ten days later. The problem of exhaustion continued unabated, though 1 didn’t give a single thought to the medium’s message.

Yesterday I went to the University of Mississippi in Oxford to begin a three-day lecture program for which I had been invited.

Before going to deliver my speech, I did meditation. As usual, I became sleepy during meditation.

But this time the fatigue was so great that I slept on my back without even intending to lie down.

Angry with myself, I sat up to resume meditation. After a short time, 1 again fell asleep and had a powerful dream:

I was in India with a small group of American Margis. We were sitting in an auditorium together with hundreds of other Margis. Baba was on the stage, speaking.

One by one, He called our names, asking each of the Americans to come on stage to be welcomed and embraced.

When He had called every name but mine, I became frustrated.

Then Baba walked off the stage and came over to me. He raised his foot and slowly pushed the sole of His shoe toward my face. As I watched, terrified. Baba’s form changed: He became the most abominable insect that I could imagine—complete with claws and fangs.

I wanted to run away, but was frozen in fear. Though I tried to scream, nothing came out. Then I heard a voice coming from nowhere: “Just love Me.”

My fear broke a bit as I wondered about the voice. Again it came, “Just love Me.”

I followed its command, and tried to love Baba in the form of that hideous insect. Gradually the insect disappeared and was replaced by a faint white light. My love grew deeper, and the light became bright and warm.

For a moment my love subsided, and the black bug began to appear again.

This time, however, I felt no loathing, and easily rekindled my love. The light returned, far brighter than the sun. though it didn’t hurt my eyes. All my anxieties drowned in an endless bliss.

I awoke and thought, “I must never forget this lesson. Everyone and everything is His manifestation. Even the worst and vilest forms.”

I feel that this dream has released some deep, old tension. Last night and this morning the problem of exhaustion after meditation didn’t appear. Exactly 10 days after the medium gave her message.

You Have to Work For Your Realization

Jackson. 1972.

I have decided to leave Ananda Marga because I did not like to meditate on the idea “I am God”?

Day by day I am convincing myself of this statement, though honestly I know nothing.

My purpose in following a spiritual path should be to go beyond my limited beliefs and realize the truth. Whether or not the idea “I am God” is right or wrong, I don’t know. Maybe this idea also is just a belief.

I shall go to an uninhabited place, leave all my worldly possessions behind, and throw myself open to Being.

Before joining Ananda Marga I did this sort of exercise several times. But this time it won’t be for a few days only. Why should I trap myself with any kind of dogma?

Unfortunately, I am bound to stay in Jackson three more weeks because Dada Yatishvarananda is coming here, and I’m responsible for setting up his programs. As soon as his visit is finished, I’ll leave.

Three weeks later. Over the last ten days, I haven’t done Ananda Marga meditation. I simply sit four times daily, trying to think of nothing.

When he arrived today, Dada Yatishvarananda said. “Your face is drained of light. What’s troubling you?”

“Dadaji, I want to leave my post just after your visit is finished. To continue would be hypocrisy.” I explained my dilemma, and why I had to go.

He tried to help me. but nothing he suggested did any good. Finally he said, “We will do all of our meditations together for three days, and your questions will be answered.” I doubt it.

During these 3 weeks, though I had no personal interest in the work, 1 did it efficiently.

150 people came to the lecture tonight—a grand success. Is it possible that I was efficient not despite my non-interest but because of it, because of the absence of anxious expectation?

Two days later. Today was Dadaji’s final day here. I’ve been so busy these past 3 days that I’ve had no time to worry about whether I’m correct or incorrect.

But just before Dadaji’s departure, I had nothing to do for a few minutes except sit and wait for him to get ready. It was then I noticed that I was feeling fine, very fine. What happened? I don’t know.

But I told Dadaji. “I’ll stay at least a few more days … to find out the cause of my good feeling.”

Two days later. Today my intellect caught up with my feelings and 1 understood. I had been thinking it was a dogma and blind belief to meditate on “I am God”.

But in fact I don’t even know what is “I”, what is “am”, and, though I’m aware of an infinite Entity, I certainly don’t know what It or “God” is. These words, this system—it’s not the point.

Even if I try to think of nothing and be open, it’s also a system. We cannot avoid walking in some sort of direction, both physically and mentally.

My purpose is clear. Ananda Marga stands for self-realization and service to others. (It is trying to do good in every conceivable manner. So I’ll continue with it, unless and until—unless and until what? Plainly speaking, I think nothing could ever cause me to leave, unless I found that Baba Himself was false.