BABA ORDERS ME TO FILE AND APPEAL

After my reversion, my departmental friends and others would come to console me but I simply listened to them silently. Amongst my departmental friends sympathizers there was one who was also a disciple brother. When He began to console me, I told him that I would be greatly relieved if he could tell me where I slipped which resulted in this demotion. He became silent.

In the evening he went to Baba’s darshan and he told Baba that he went to console Naginaji but that he had no words to do so, after he heard Nagina speak.

“Nagina wanted to know his mistake, but I could not tell anything. He has committed no fault - how could I point to anything?” Baba said to him, “Ask him to file an appeal.”

Baba had written in his letter of 4th January 1955 that I should apply to the competent authority.

Some Margii brothers were also pressing me to file an appeal. I was wondering who was the competent authority in this case? After looking at the series of events I came to the conclusion that Baba alone was the competent authority. Once I had offered this post before him, so where was my right to appeal? I was thinking whether a thing given could be begged back. While I was thus engaged in deliberation of this nature the pressure on me to appeal began to grow. I placed my thoughts before one of my disciple brothers and he mentioned it to Baba. That day in the evening when I went to Baba, after my pranam Baba asked: “Why are you not filing an appeal?” I asked in a subdued tone whether I had any right to appeal. Baba said, “I know everything. This is my order that you should file an appeal.” Now that it was Baba’s order, there was no alternative left for me. Finally I prepared the draft of an appeal and took it to Baba for approval. Baba looked at it and said it was all right. He asked me to despatch it and then to follow it up like an ordinary person, at every office. I requested Baba to exempt me from the effort of pursuing it through the offices. I said that so far I had never asked anything for myself from my superiors. I was not accustomed to do this and would not be able to do it now. But Baba was adamant. He said, “It is my order.” I had to keep quiet as it went against the grain to disobey him. I sent the appeal and after a week I set out to push the issue through the various offices. Before leaving Jamalpur that evening I went for Baba’s darshan and I told Baba that I was leaving for Patna and Delhi the next day. It was possible that I might be requested to stay in Patna for some time, and I would start for Delhi after my appeal has been moved up from there. Baba said, “That is alright. Go and only come back with the orders.“I told Baba that it was not within my powers to get the orders issued, but I will try as far as possibas per your instruction. Baba said: “You would not return unless you have talked to me”. I said: “Kindly let me know the number of the telephone where I could contact you.” Baba laughed and asked, “So you would ask me on telephone?” I enquired, “How else could I do so?” Baba replied, “Ask me in meditation”. I was somewhat surprised and enquired, “Is it was possible to talk to you during meditation?” He said, “Yes, you will get my voice in the same manner as you get it on the phone”. BABA ORDERS ME TO PATNA AND DELHI TO PURSUE MY APPEAL The next day I started for Patna and in Patna I stayed with one of my colleagues. While staying there I began to try so that my appeal may be sent to Delhi at an early date. It took more than a weak for my appeal to move out of Patna to Delhi. When my appeal was despatched to Delhi, I started for Delhi. After reaching there I arranged for my stay in one of the hotel of old Delhi and thereafter began to move up and down to the officers and political bosses to plead for a favourable response to my appeal. But I got discouragement from every quarter. One of the political leaders was a companion from my college days and a friend. But even from him I got no ray of hope. In sheer despair I returned to my hotel. As I approached the door of my room one of the hotel waiters passed me with a plate of fried meat in one hand and a glass in the other. He had bottles of liquor and soda under both arms. I caught the pleasant aroma of fried meat and I looked at the bearer. As I looked at the plates my old love for meat revived and I began to wonder how have I become involved with so many negative restrictions about food and drink. As I entered my room I decided to throw all these restrictions overboard and decided to order meat, drink and cigarettes for myself also. I pressed the button to call the room attendant. My mind was quite determined and it would certainly force me to act as per its thoughts. After a little while the attendant came to the room. Although I had in mind to order meat, drink and cigarettes, yet I do not know how instead I enquired from him about the departure time of the train for Patna? He informed me that it left at five. It was about three-thirty then. I told him to pack up my luggage and I was going back to Patna. The attendant asked many leading and prompting questions, but I do not know what happened to my memory at that time, I could simply not express what was in my mind. He reminded me that I had intended to stay for a full month and it was only three days since I came and I was already talking of leaving. He enquired whether some emergency occurred?. I said, “Yes it was like that. Please pack quickly!”The attendant said, “Sir, you have a hundred restrictions on your food and on the way you will not get vegetables without onions and garlic. I shall, therefore, see if there is some food fit for you in the hotel, so that you may take your food here. While you have your lunch I shall pack up your luggage”. Thus saying he rushed and brought for me some chapatis and vegetables without onion or garlic. I started eating as if spell-bound and the attendant began to pack up my luggage. By the time I had finished eating, he had packed up my things and brought my hotel bill. I paid the bill and he ordered a taxi for me. Then I paid him a two rupees tip. He asked me whether I remembered everything I had brought and had I left anything behind? He was indeed very helpful. I had not even checked up what he had packed. Then he himself enquired. “Sir, there will not be any reservation with you, will it then be possible for you to board the train? If you like I shall got to the station with you and manage some berth for you, so that you may spend the journey in rest.” I thought that perhaps, he was not satisfied with the tip and therefore wanted to go up to the station. I thought over the matter and decided that he would be a useful assistance at the station and therefore asked him to accompany me up to the station. At Delhi station as he took down my luggage he enquired about the class that I would travel. I replied that I would travel by Inter Class. He asked me to go and purchase the ticket while he would go to find some berth for me so that I could lie on it. He, therefore, lifted up my luggage without calling a coolie and walked off towards the train. When I came back with the ticked and reached the Inter-Class compartment I found that the attendant was eagerly waiting for me. He said, “Sir, I have found a berth for you and I have spread your bedding on it. I have also taken out clothes for changing during the journey.” He asked me to go into the bathroom and change and occupy the berth otherwise if someone comes and sits here it would be difficult to remove him. I did as he suggested and changed my clothes. He put my clothes in the suitcase and then I occupied my seat. Meanwhile he rushed and brought a magazine for my reading during the journey. He gave it to me and said, “Sir, read it during your journey.” Really, after I left the hotel things were happening almost automatically. It appeared that this bearer was some old family assistant of ours who knew every habit of mine so thoroughly. He persuaded me to lie down, which I did. Before lying down I have him a further tip of five rupees, which he accepted after long persuasion. He stood in the compartment as long as the train did not start. When the train started he saluted me and left. For sometime I turned the pages of the magazine and then began to read it. Thus it was about nine o’clock and I went to bed. Before going to bed I did not even reflect on the course of the events as they were taking place. On the berth near me, there was some gentleman from Gujarat. In the morning after sunrise he awakened me and informed me that if I was interested in taking tea then this was the proper place, otherwise the next such station would only come at 9 am. I requested that gentleman to order tea for me also and I went into the bathroom with my toothbrush for a wash.As I was taking tea I suddenly recalled that I had pushed the button to call the bearer for bringing me meat, drink and cigarettes and how thereafter I was here almost involuntarily. I thought and thought but got no answer to this riddle. My mind was not so weak as to forget such recent things, but I got no solution or clue to the puzzle. At last the train reached Patna. At first I thought that I should stay in Patna for sometime and then go to Jamalpur. But finally I decided to get the ticket extended to Jamalpur and I reached Jamalpur at about one thirty in the night. I located an empty bed in the outer room of Bindeshwariji’s veranda, spread my bedding on it and went to sleep. I was late in rising in the morning and therefore could not go to Baba’s darshan, but that evening as I reached His residence and did my pranam, Baba enquired: “How did you find Delhi? like a snake or scorpion?” I got up and told Baba, “Delhi was so bad, why did You send me there?” Baba said, “You took this demotion as if nothing has happened to you.” I said: “Baba all this is due to the grace of your Lotus Feet.” Thereafter Baba started for His walk and I accompanied Him, anxious to find an opportunity to ask Baba how I left the Delhi hotel? But Baba was talking about something or the other and I was not getting an opportunity to ask Him. Then Baba enquired, “Nagina, did you ever ride a horse?” I replied in the affirmative. Baba said, “If the horse is a strong and fast one and the rider lets go the reins after spurring him on, what will happen?” I replied, “Baba, both the horse and the rider will fall.” Baba then asked, “If the horse is running fast and you suddenly pull the reins?” I replied, “In this circumstance also the horse and the rider both will fall.” Then Baba enquired, “Who is then to be blamed? The rider or the horse?” I said, “Baba, the fault is with the rider who does not know the correct use of the reins”. At this Baba said, “If you had ordered meat, drink and cigarettes in the hotel, what was the need of my presence? I left you for a minute and you were tottering in just a moment”. I enquired most innocently: “Baba, can this happen?” “Baba replied: “Yes!” and then he kept quiet. After he had walked some more distance, Baba said, “Nagina, there is a story with a moral. Listen! When Draopadii was being stripped she was protecting her garments with one hand and with the other she was pulling the garments to herself asking for justice fromall these present in the hall. At that time Krsna was sitting in Dwaraka with His wife. His wife reminded him that his sister was being insulted in Hastinapur and He was sitting there. Krsna kept quiet, he did not reply. When Draopadii got no aid from those present in the meeting, she began to cry ‘Krsna? Krsna!’ Even now both her hands were clutching the garments. Again the wife of Krsna reminded Him as to what sort of brother he was that in the presence of all in the hall, his sister was being stripped naked and He was sitting silently here. This time Krsna said, ‘It appears that I shall have to go’. Meanwhile Dushasan gave a pull and Draopadii thought that her garments was about to fall from her waist, although actually it was no so, she just imagined it. She was already perplexed and lost. Now finding herself quite helpless she raised both her hands in the spirit of self-surrender and she began to cry, ‘Krsna! Krsna!’ piteously. At this juncture the miracle of the infinite growth of the garment began to take place. When Draopadii fully surrendered the responsibility fell fully on Krishna.” Thus I got the reply to all my questions without asking them. I then asked Baba, “This means where the disciple ends there the guru begins?” Baba said, “Yes, when a person loses confidence in his own power and intellect and when he surrenders himself fully before God, then the responsibility shifts to the Almighty.” By then Baba had reached almost to the middle of the field. Here Baba said so many other things about Delhi. He who makes whole cosmos dance at His slightest gesture also made me dance. Where my intellect failed, He caught hold of my hands and gave me support. He was opened my eyes with new enlightenment. I bow to my guru. THE TEST OF DOUBT At this time every day I was going to Baba’s residence, placing my head at His feet and going for walk with Him, listening to His discourses whilst sitting on the tiger’s grave. After about ten or fifteen day stay like this in Jamalpur, suddenly a mean and week feeling began to press my mind. This was a feeling of disbelief. I began to doubt myself and sadhana. These I could somehow try to keep within control. But when disbelief reached its maximum limit, I began to doubt Baba also. In this stage my mind began to remain very much disturbed and unstable. This subject was so sensitive that I could not express my inner feelings. I felt so unhappy and bad, and hated myself. I did know that a thief in the form of disbelief had entered me, which it was so difficult to drive out and it was equally difficult to seek some solution from some other gentleman. Thus I was in a great dilemma between the devil and deep sea, as it were. My mind began to feel extremely perplexed, also my daily routine continued as usual. Even the proximity to Baba and daily association with Him did not help in driving out this devil of disbelief. I must have past some five six days in this state when I happened to meet a senior disciple of Baba with whom I had become somewhat intimate by now. Somehow he discovered that I was in mental anguish and finding me alone he enquired also what was the matter with me and why I looked so worried? I told him that my worry is great but I do not know to whom I should express and what should I express? He told me very intimately that if it was not a very secret matter I should certainly mention it to him. He promised all help within his means.I thought, ”I have met a gentlemen who is trying to soothe my mental pain” and this helped me regain some peace of mind. Then I told of all about my disbelief in myself, sadhana, and even Baba. I told him that the basis of my belief has been swept away. I used to feel that I could bear a Himalayan difficulty if my faith in Him was there, but today that basis itself was slipping away from me and therefore I was feeling extremely helpless and woebegone. My disciple brother laughed heartily after hearing my account. I felt very bad at his laughter. I told him, “ I am in great mental anguish and you are making fun of my difficulties.” He then became more solemn but still smiling, told me that I had fallen a prey to his ailment. I did not follow him and still felt bad at his attitude. He then told me that this feeling of disbelief was only a method of Baba’s test. This is a very difficult test and rarely one gets through this examination. No-one else can help in this matter except Baba. He advised me to catch Baba still more and that was the only solution. He told me that he also had undergone this kind of test. I felt some relief at this and thought that this evening itself I shall, during the field walk, request Baba to save me from such a test. As usual I went to Baba’s residence and after pranam accompanied Him for a walk. When Baba was approaching the grave I asked whether He puts His disciples to such a test; that he may loose his very faith and confidence in Him. “Oh God, this is a very difficult examination. How can I poor disciple ever dream of passing such a test ?” Such was the mode of my expression, that Baba laughed and enquired whether I had met such and such person today? I replied in the affirmation and then He pointed out that I had become involved in a difficulty. In insisted that Baba may kindly save me. No disciple would like to appear at such examination nor would anyone get through such a test. During such a test one become utterly helpless. I was not prepared to face such a test in any way. Baba kept quiet while I was speaking. But from that very moment my feelings improved and became purified and never again I got such base ideas again. It is very difficult to unravel Baba’s mysterious compassion. Salutation to Baba who protects His devotees in all Situations BINDESHWARIJI ESCAPES TO THE ASHRAM I had come back to Jamalpur in the first week of March 1955, from Delhi. Looking after Bindeshwariji, again became part of my daily responsibilities. He was not permitted to see Baba. One evening Baba was about to come to the ashram, and Bindeshwariji somehow hoodwinked me and came to the ashram. He was there before I reached the ashram. He came to the room where Baba used to sit, and sat down on the ground. The time of Baba’s arrival was approaching, therefore all disciples were persuading him to leave the room, but he refused to budge. Now people began to think that if Bindeshwariji does not get out, Baba may not come, and everyone will be deprived of Baba’s darshan. Shri Kishanji, a disciple brother who had a strong body and looked like a wrestler, though that he should be lifted up physically, and taken to another room. He made all efforts to do so, but he could not move Bindeshwariji even an inch. He then called another young man who also had a well-built body. Both ofthem tried to lift Bindeshwariji. Both began to perspire profusely, but could not remove Bindeshwariji from his seat. No one could believe what was happening. I recollected what the saintly poet Tulsidasji said in Ramcharitmanas, that Shiva’s bow became so heavy that ten thousand princes in a combined error could not move it. This was a good example of the defeat of physical force against mental determination! It appeared as if Bindeshwariji was glued to the ground. When I arrived, the manager of the ashram somewhat angrily said to me, “Where were you?” How could Bindeshwariji come here? Remove him from this room, otherwise Baba will not come and all will be deprived of Baba’s darshan.” I asked Bindeshwariji how he had managed to sneak in there. At this, he began to laugh and said that he had to see Baba. I said to him, “When you do not have permission to come, you should not have come. If you continue sitting here Baba will not come and all will be deprived of His darshan. Would you like Baba to get angry at me, since I could not look after you properly and so you came here.” As I said this, he got up promptly and went and sat in meditation in the inner veranda of the house. To this day, I do not know how Bindeshwariji became so heavy that two strong wrestlers could not lift him even an inch. Baba alone knows the secret. Bindeshwariji was always immersed in Baba’s vibration and he had become one with Baba. Even for a moment of Baba was away from his mind, he would become unhappy and cry and weep loudly. Every part of his mind became one with Baba. After some time Baba came. We had His darshan and also heard His discourses. Those days, whenever Bindeshwariji had Baba’s darshan, he got a strong desire that he should merge himself in Baba. Therefore, both his mind and body became abnormal. This condition lasted for about two moths. Then one day Baba rebuked him and so he became normal. After that members of his family also felt less unhappy towards me. He however continued insisting for Baba’s darshan and at last seeing that he had become normal, Baba permitted him. Even so, after Baba’s darshan, he would become somewhat abnormal. Sometimes Bindeshwariji’s eyes would close in such a manner that even with great efforts he could not open them. In such a condition, as he could not see anything he could sit silently. Sometimes, both his lips would get so much glued to each other that he could not utter any sound even though he tried very hard. Sometimes, both his eyes and lips would be sealed, and then he could neither see nor speak. But as soon as Baba left, his eyes and lips would open up. I noticed that whenever Bindeshwariji became abnormal, the little finger of Baba’s right hand would move as if to write something, and Bindeshwariji would become quiet immediately. Even these days during Dharma Maha Cakras or darshans, when some devotees are overwhelmed with devotion, and begin to behave abnormally, I have seen that Baba moves His little finger in the same way to quiet them. Once at the Krishnanagar DMC, one lady devotee became ecstatic. Baba, while delivering His discourse, moved his right hand up and down towards her in a graceful manner as if in Abhaya Mudra. She became completely quiet and normal. She could only speak after DMC was over. Those days, Bindeshwariji would immediately know thoughts of other persons. One day when he went for Baba’s darshan, his eyes were closed lightly, but his mouth was open and he was making Omkar sound again, again and breathing heavily. This was disrupting the devotees in listening to Baba’s discourse. Baba told me to take him out. His eyes were closed. I was about to lift himwith force, when he himself got up and directed this line of great poet Surdas to Baba with great force: “You are going away from me, thinking that I am weak. But when you can leave my heart, I will know that you are strong.” Sometimes Bindeshwariji would start dancing and singing when overwhelmed in a devotional mood. Although he has no knowledge of music and dance, his singing and dancing were quite touching. Once Baba said that without Bindeshwariji, DMC is not complete. During those days, I used to study Bhagavad Giita. Once I was pondering over one of its lines, when Bindeshwariji came and sat by my side. I was absorbed in thoughts and did not notice him. For some time, he sat quietly and then he suddenly jumped up and said, “Brother, you are having very good thoughts please share them with me.” He began to insist again and again that I should tell him what I was thinking. I said, “I was thinking about a line of Bhagavad Giita and I was thinking of changing a few words.” He again insisted that I should tell him quickly. I said, “Lord Krishna has told Arjuna in Giita ‘Leave aside all Dharmas and come to my shelter’ (‘Sarva-dharman parityja, mamekam sharanam vraja’ [Gita 18.66]). I am thinking of amending it to read ‘Leaving aside all Dharmas, I am coming to your shelter’ and I am thinking of doing my pranam to Baba with these words.” Bindeshwariji repeated this line twice and then expressed great pleasure and said, “This is an excellent idea. Let us act upon it.” Next day when we went for Baba’s darshan, Bindeshwariji said, “I leave all Dharmas and come to your shelter.” And with these words he did sastaunga pranam to Baba. Baba immediately repeated the following line of the verse and said, “Fear not, I shall deliver you from all sins!” (‘Aham tvam sarva papebhyo mokshayishyami ma shuchah’. [Giita 18.66)]). After this we also got an opportunity to do pranam to Him. Once Bindeshwariji was sitting in front of Baba. His eyes were closed. He was always in ecstasy and in the presence of Baba his ecstasy would become deeper and more expressive. In such a state, he once told Baba, “You came in the form of Krsna! Why are you hiding it from the world?” And thus he became all the more absorbed in Baba’s thought. On another occasion both of us went to the ashram in the evening. There Bindeshwariji became ecstatic at once and closed his eyes and sat on the floor of the verandah. At that time, many disciples were present there. Everyone sat in front of him. Bindeshwariji was talking something to himself in ecstasy. Just then, he became immersed in Baba bhava as if he had become Baba. We were astounded to hear him. He spoke and sounded exactly like Baba! Some disciple brothers, who were sitting in the room, heard his voice and rushed thinking that Baba had come. When they came near, they realized that the speaker was Bindeshwariji and not Baba. They were also surprised. They said that when we heard the voice, we thought that Baba had come before His usual time and we rushed out to have His darshan. Bindeshwariji was also hearing our talk and he pointed to himself and said, “I am Baba.” As the voice was exactly like Baba’s, everyone was taken back. Bindeshwariji began to bless someone by gently striking his head. He blessed others by touching their ajina cakra or by pressing it. But his voice, at that time, resembled Baba’s. He asked some to do him sastaunga pranam and they obeyed him. I did not like this and moved away from there.Meanwhile he called me and asked me to do sastaunga pranam. I said, “No.” Although his voice was like that of Baba, I refused to do sastaunga to him. I said, “This is reserved for Baba, and I shall not do it for you.” He did not like my words, and became angry. He instructed me to sit before him, which I did. When he stretched his hand towards my ajina cakra, I stopped him from doing so and told him that it was improper and unbecoming and he should no do it. I rejected both his hands, and he became even more angry and threatened to curse me. Now it was my return to feel angry. I also said to him, “Curse me if you can!” But immediately, I recollected that Baba has entrusted his welfare to me and that I am angry with him. Therefore I got away from there saying, “Do as you like.” He stayed some more time in the Ashram and then returned home. I continued to look after him that day, and could not go for Baba’s darshan that evening. Next evening when I was walking with Baba, I mentioned this incident to Baba and asked Him whether sastaunga Pranam to Bindeshwariji at that time was proper or is it reserved for Guru alone? Baba said, “When he is in Shiva bhava or my bhava, he only thinks of others welfare. But when he reverts to his unit mind, he feels angry and the thought of curse must have come to him at such a moment. Gradually, he will be cured and such ideas will disappear from his mind. You were correct in not doing sastaunga pranam to him. After this, Bindeshwariji did not ever talk of cursing again. Baba’s liila is beyond my understanding.