Hazra's Selfishness

Stop! We don’t want any more songs. Where is the money? (To Narendra) You may order the music, but who will pay?"

(smiling): “He may also think I am ill.”

The conversation drifted to Hazra and his egotism. For some reason he had had to go away from Dakshineswar.

Don’t believe him. He says so in order to come back to Dakshineswar. (To the devotees) Narendra always insists that Hazra is a grand person.

Why? You have heard so much about him, and still you think so?

I admit that he has devotion to his ideal.

He said to me:

A goswami came from Srerampore.

He was a descendant of Advaita Goswami. He intended to spend a night or two at the temple garden.

I asked him very cordially to stay. Do you know what Hazra said to me?

He said:

What was in his mind was that the goswami might ask for milk or food, and that he might have to give him some from his own share.

I said to Hazra:

‘Now, you rogue! Even I prostrate myself before him because he is a goswami.

You, after leading a worldly life and indulging a great deal in “woman and gold”, have so much pride because of a little japa! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?’

“One realizes God through sattva. Rajas and tamas take one away from Him.

The scriptures describe sattva as white, rajas as red, and tamas as black.

Once I asked Hazra: What do you think of the people that come here? How much sattva does each one possess?

What about me?

Hazra used to practise japa at Dakshineswar. While telling his beads, he would also try to do a little brokerage business.

He has a debt of a few thousand rupees which he must clear up.

About the brahmin cooks of the temple he remarked:

The truth is that you cannot attain God if you have even a trace of desire. Subtle is the way of dharma.

If you are trying to thread a needle, you will not succeed if the thread has even a slight fibre sticking out.

There are people who perform japa for 30 years and still do not attain any result.

Why? A gangrenous sore requires very drastic treatment. Ordinary medicine won’t cure it.

“No matter how much sādhanā you practise, you will not realize the goal as long as you have desire. But this also is true, that one can realize the goal in a moment through the grace of God, through His kindness.

Take the case of a room that has been dark a thousand years. If somebody suddenly brings a lamp into it, the room is lighted in an instant.

Suppose a poor man’s son has fallen into the good graces of a rich person. He marries his daughter. Immediately he gets an equipage, clothes, furniture, a house, and other things.

God has the nature of a child. A child is sitting with gems in the skirt of his cloth. Many a person passes by him along the road. Many of them pray to him for gems.

But he hides the gems with his hands and says, turning away his face, ‘No, I will not give any away.’

But another man comes along. He doesn’t ask for the gems, and yet the child runs after him and offers him the gems, begging him to accept them.

One cannot realize God without renunciation. Who will accept my words?

I have been seeking a companion, a sympathetic soul who will understand my feelings.

When I see a great devotee, I say to myself, ‘Perhaps he will accept my ideal.’

But later on I find that he behaves in a different way.

A ghost sought a companion.

One becomes a ghost if one dies from an accident on a Saturday or a Tuesday. So whenever the ghost found someone who seemed to be dying from an accident on either of these days, he would run to him.

He would say to himself that at last he had found his companion. But no sooner would he run to the man than he would see the man getting up.

The man, perhaps, had fallen from a roof and after a few moments regained consciousness.

Once Mathur Babu was in an ecstatic mood. He behaved like a drunkard and could not look after his work. At this all said:

During one of Narendra’s early visits I touched his chest and he became unconscious.

Regaining consciousness, he wept and said:

This ‘I’ and ‘mine’ spring from ignorance.