Surrender In Personal Relationships
Table of Contents
What about people who want to use me, manipulate or con- trol me? Am I to surrender to them?
They are cut off from Being, so they unconsciously attempt to get energy and power from you.
Only an unconscious person will try to use or manipulate others, but it is equally true that only an unconscious person can be used and manipulated. If you resist or fight unconscious behavior in others, you become unconscious yourself.
But surrender doesn’t mean that you allow yourself to be used by unconscious people. Not at all. It is perfectly possible to say “no” firmly and clearly to a person or to walk away from a situation and be in a state of complete inner nonresistance at the same time.
When you say “no” to a person or a situation, let it come not from reaction but from insight, from a clear realization of what is right or not right for you at that moment. Let it be a nonreactive “no,” a high-quality “no,” a “no” that is free of all negativity and so creates no further suf- fering
I am in a situation at work that is unpleasant. I have tried to surrender to it, but I find it impossible. A lot of resistance keeps coming up. If you cannot surrender, take action immediately: Speak up or do something to bring about a change in the situation-or remove yourself from it. Take responsibility for your life.
Do not pollute your beautiful, radiant inner Being nor the Earth with negativity. Do not give unhappiness in any form what- soever a dwelling place inside you. If you cannot take action, for example if you are in prison, then you have two choices left: resistance or surrender. Bondage or inner freedom from external conditions. Suffering or inner peace.
Is nonresistance also to be practiced in the external conduct of our lives, such as nonresistance to violence, or is it something that just concerns our inner life? You only need to be concerned with the inner aspect. That is primary. Of course, that will also transform the conduct of your outer life, your relationships, and so on.
Your relationships will be changed profoundly by surrender. If you can never accept what is, by implication you will not be able to accept anybody the way they are. You will judge, criticize, label, reject, or attempt to change people. Furthermore, if you continuously make the Now into a means to an end in the future, you will also make every person you encounter or relate with into a means to an end.
The relationship - the human being—is then of secondary importance to you, or of no importance at all. What you can get out of the relationship is primary - be it material gain, a sense of power, physical pleasure, or some form of ego gratification.
Let me illustrate how surrender can work in relationships. When you become involved in an argument or some conflict situation, perhaps with a partner or someone close to you, start by observing how defensive you become as your own position is attacked, or feel the force of your own aggression as you attack the other person’s position. Observe the attachment to your views and opinions.
Feel the mental-emotional energy behind your need to be right and make the other per- son wrong. That’s the energy of the egoic mind. You make it conscious by acknowledging it, by feeling it as fully as pos- sible. Then one day, in the middle of an argument, you will suddenly realize that you have a choice, and you may decide to drop your own reaction—just to see what happens.
You surrender.
I don’t mean dropping the reaction just verbally by saying, “Okay, you are right,” with a look on your face that says, “I am above all this childish unconsciousness.” That’s just displacing the resistance to another level, with the egoic mind still in charge, claiming superiority. I am speaking of letting go of the entire mental-emotional energy field inside you that was fighting for power.
The ego is cunning, so you have to be very alert, very present, and totally honest with yourself to see whether you have truly relinquished your identification with a mental position and so freed yourself from your mind. If you suddenly feel very light, clear, and deeply at peace, that is an unmistakable sign that you have truly surrendered. Then observe what happens to the other person’s mental position as you no longer energize it through resistance. When identification with mental posi- tions is out of the way, true communication begins.
What about nonresistance in the face of violence, aggression, and the like?
Nonresistance doesn’t necessarily mean doing nothing. All it means is that any “doing” becomes nonreactive. Remember the deep wisdom underlying the practice of Eastern martial arts: Don’t resist the opponent’s force. Yield to overcome. Having said that, “doing nothing” when you are in a state of intense presence is a very powerful transformer and healer of situations and people. In Taoism, there is a term called wu wei, which is usually translated as “actionless activity” or “sit- ting quietly doing nothing.” In ancient China, this was regarded as one of the highest achievements or virtues. It is radically different from inactivity in the ordinary state of consciousness, or rather unconsciousness, which stems from fear, inertia, or indecision. The real “doing nothing” implies inner nonresistance and intense alertness.
On the other hand, if action is required, you will no longer react from your conditioned mind, but you will respond to the situation out of your conscious presence. In that state, your mind is free of concepts, including the concept of non- violence. So who can predict what you will do?
Transforming Illness Into Enlightenment
If someone is seriously ill and completely accepts their condi tion and surrenders to the illness, would they not have given up their will to get back to health? The determination to fight the illness would not be there anymore, would it?
Surrender is inner acceptance of what is without any reser- vations. We are talking about your life - this instant-not the conditions or circumstances of your life, not what I call your life situation. We have spoken about this already.
With regard to illness, this is what it means. Illness is part of your life situation. As such, it has a past and a future. Past and future form an uninterrupted continuum, unless the redeeming power of the Now is activated through your conscious presence. As you know, underneath the various conditions that make up your life situation, which exists in time, there is something deeper, more essential: your Life, your very Being in the timeless Now.
As there are no problems in the Now, there is no illness either.
The belief in a label that someone attaches to your con- dition keeps the condition in place, empowers it, and makes a seemingly solid reality out of a temporary imbalance.
It gives it not only reality and solidity but also a continuity in time that it did not have before. By focusing on this instant and refraining from labeling it mentally, illness is reduced to one or several of these factors: physical pain, weakness, dis- comfort, or disability. That is what you surrender to-now. You do not surrender to the idea of “illness.”
Allow the suffering to force you into the present moment, into a state of intense conscious presence. Use it for enlightenment.
Surrender does not transform what is, at least not directly. Sur- render transforms you. When you are transformed, your whole world is transformed, because the world is only a reflection. We spoke about this earlier.
The ego believes that in your resistance lies your strength, whereas in truth resistance cuts you off from Being, the only place of true power. Resistance is weakness and fear masquerading as strength.
What the ego sees as weakness is your Being in its purity, innocence, and power. What it sees as strength is weakness. So the ego exists in a continuous resistance-mode and plays counterfeit roles to cover up your “weakness,” which in truth is your power.
Until there is surrender, unconscious role-playing consti- tutes a large part of human interaction. In surrender, you no longer need ego defenses and false masks. You become very simple, very real. “That’s dangerous,” says the ego.
“You’ll hurt. You’ll become vulnerable.” What the ego doesn’t get know, of course, is that only through the letting go of resist- ance, through becoming “vulnerable,” can you discover your true and essential invulnerability.
If you looked in the mirror and did not like what you saw, you would have to be mad to attack the image in the mirror. That is precisely what you do when you are in a state of nonaccep- tance. And, of course, if you attack the image, it attacks you back. If you accept the image, no matter what it is, if you be- come friendly toward it, it cannot not become friendly toward you. This is how you change the world.
Illness is not the problem. You are the problem — as long as the egoic mind is in control. When you are ill or disabled, do not feel that you have failed in some way, do not feel guilty. Do not blame life for treating you unfairly, but do not blame yourself either. All that is resistance. If you have a major ill- ness, use it for enlightenment. Anything “bad” that happens in your life — use it for enlightenment. Withdraw time from the illness. Do not give it any past or future. Let it force you into intense present-moment awareness - and see what happens.
Become an alchemist. Transmute base metal into gold, suf- fering into consciousness, disaster into enlightenment.
Are you seriously ill and feeling angry now about what I have just said? Then that is a clear sign that the illness has become part of your sense of self and that you are now pro- tecting your identity as well as protecting the illness. The condition that is labeled “illness” has nothing to do with who suffering your whole world is shattered and doesn’t make sense anymore. It is an encounter with death, be it physical or psychological. The egoic mind, the creator of this world, collapses. Out of the ashes of the old world, a new world can then come into being.
There is no guarantee, of course, that even a limit-situation will do it, but the potential is always there. Some people’s resistance to what is even intensifies in such a situation, and so it becomes a descent into hell. In others, there may only be partial surrender, but even that will give them a certain depth and serenity that were not there before. Parts of the ego shell break off, and this allows small amounts of the radiance and peace that lie beyond the mind to shine through.
Limit-situations have produced many miracles. There have been murderers on death row waiting for execution who, in the last few hours of their lives, experienced the egoless state and the deep joy and peace that come with it. The inner resistance to the situation they found themselves in became so intense as to produce unbearable suffering, and there was nowhere to run and nothing to do to escape it, not even a mind-projected future. So they were forced into complete acceptance of the unacceptable. They were forced into sur-
just said? Then that is a clear sign that the illness has become part of your sense of self and that you are now pro- tecting your identity — as well as protecting the illness. The condition that is labeled “illness" has nothing to do with who you truly are.